That fateful day

All my life. And mean all of it. I have always felt distant,disconnected and unloved by my parents. Well,maybe am past that age of whining about it. But I feel the effects. Effects I ignored all along; of resentment,hatred,self-esteem(lack of it),unable to see myself in a positive way and anti-social behaviour. I battle with with these questions everytime I meeet my parents,or meet guys who had the previlege to sample how sweet these values are from a younger age.

I must however appreciate them for the far I have come,they've catered for my education, shelter,clothing and food. This is a foundation I hang on every day. Looking back,I see alot childhood friends who never made this far,neither do they dream of. Some look far much beter than I think they should while others look far worse than I think they should. In all these ,I thank God for I can make out the difference. God says there's a reason why we are where we are,and born to our parents. There are probably more guys who went through even worse things than I have had to endure,but they made it. And they are not complaining. Well, am not. Am just documenting it. To keep track of where am from and shape my God desired destiny. Thats how it gonna be.

Recently, actually two weeks ago, I lost my uncle,from mum's side. He is one of the most jovial people I have met so far. I have spent considerable amount of time at his home,with his children. We've mingled with them at almost evry level. Then the guy,my father,brings up this rediculus reason why I should only attend his burial and come back the same day. I just went blank for a moment,not because of that one day,but the reason. I couldnt conceptualize a thing he said in that rage. I told him that was an awkward position for me and will not abide by his rules,given the relationship. It was the lowest moment of my life. He just drained the last hope of rejuvinating any relationship with him. It was the last thing he should have done. I hate restrictions,kind of I have control issues.

So the following day I decide to consult a certain elder, he's spiritual and understands our family kidogo. He counsels me thro' and says,at the end of the day,he's your father,he has high blood pressure and you still have youger siblings who need him more. You never know what might happen and the blame could fall squarely on you. I thought about that, and said crap. To hell with whatever happens(how irresponsible, I thot later). Then later that day,the phone rings,and its him,he says its ok,I can go anyday I want,he's also considering the same. Then it hit me. He was shocked that I could actually disagree with him,and tell it to his face(only that it was over the phone). He knew he was gonna loose and me, the winner,thats why he rescinded his earlier decision,or so I thot. So I decided to disagree with him,once again.

I did not attend the funeral and it hurt me,esp. because we were in a competition/disagreement,with my dad. He finally went for the funeral,perhaps to register the fact that some ties can never be wished away. Good for him, I guess.

This might just be as confusing to you. But maybe alittle history could shed some light.......